So I know I said that this blog will be mostly my experience living with borderline personality disorder, but I think my experience will be easier to understand if I explain exactly what it is. Most of the information I will use is from online sources and my own knowledge of psychopathology. I am not an expert in any way shape or form, but I’ll try to be as accurate as possible.

TW: Mentions of self harm

According to the article “Personality Disorders, a Nation-based Perspective on Prevalence” by Dr R. Sansone, approximately 10 percent of the US population suffers from a personality disorder. There are 10 personality disorders in total, and often, if you have one, you have another. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, about 1.4% of US adults suffer from borderline personality disorder.

BPD (not to be confused with BD, bipolar disorder), has an extensive list of symptoms in the DSM-5, which I feel are best summarized by psycom.net: extreme emotional reactions, impulsivity, and unstable social relationships. I want to touch on more of the specific aspects of BPD in later posts (such as splitting and dissociation), because they can be more difficult to understand and I don’t want to overload you with information. Suicidality also plays a big role in BPD, which I also want to touch on in a future post. For now, I want to focus on the list on psycom.net, which again, accurately summarizes most of the symptoms.

So let’s go through each of the three main symptoms with an example from my own life. The first is inappropriate emotional reactions. I can think of many times when I’ve shut down completely from minor inconveniences, such as breaking the washing machine or accidentally saying something embarrassing in class. I remember earlier in the semester, as I was going through a really dark time, I walked out of an exam thinking I had failed. I couldn’t get the word “failure” out of my head. I felt like I needed to be punished. I was worthless, the scum of the earth, I would never be good enough, I would never be stable enough to get through college. I went home and self harmed.

Sounds like a completely normal, healthy reaction to doing poorly on an exam, right? To me, this was! When I get into a headspace like that, it is incredibly difficult to discern what is rational and what is irrational. To me, cutting after doing poorly on an exam that I thought should have been easy was the correct choice, when of course it wasn’t.

Next, we have impulsivity. Being impulsive has almost completely messed my life up several times. For example, after “failing” that exam, I emailed my academic advisor and told him I wanted to drop out. I messaged all my roommates that I would be moving out after the semester was over. I called my mom, told her I was done with college, and would not be coming back. If it wasn’t for the intervention of some really good friends, I would have followed through, and then what? I love college, and I would have been heartbroken. Many impulsive decisions like this one have almost destroyed my future.

Finally, the biggest symptom I suffer from: unstable social relationships. I can not tell you the amount of times I’ve went off on my friends for little things, or how many times my other symptoms from BPD have gotten in the way of maintaining my relationships. Currently, I have five awesome roommates, who are fortunately very understanding of my disorder, but I can not tell you the amount of times I’ve blocked and unblocked their numbers, sworn I will never talk to them again, or attempted to find other living arrangements. Of course, I mentioned that I wanted to move out after that exam. I planned on cutting all ties with them after I left, literally cut off my best friends who have been nothing but supportive of me. Why? I couldn’t tell you now, but at the time, it seemed right. It always seems right.

Wanna know the kicker? I got a B on that exam. All of that over a B. I hope this sheds light into how difficult this disorder can be, how irrational thoughts disguise themselves as rational thoughts, and how my actions, while they can not be justified, seem like the right course of action at the time.

So, how do you support someone with BPD? Well, if you’re reading this and educating yourself on the symptoms, you’re already starting to help. Understand the patterns your loved one has with BPD, recognize the warning signs of an episode, and try to be a source of support. People with BPD are not unlovable. Try not to get angry or upset with them, it will just make the situation worse. Finally, love can go a really long way. The best friends I have made in this world do not justify my actions, but love me through them. They let me know that they can’t support some of the things I do, but support me as a person, unconditionally. To me, these friendships are invaluable.

I’m going to end this post on a good note. People with BPD are able to live healthy, happy lives with the right help and support. It is a very, very difficult disorder that affects many aspects of our lives, but I believe that as we learn more about it, destigmatize it, and support each other, we will get to the life we deserve to live. I believe in us.

-Sam

Sources

psycom.net: https://www.psycom.net/depression.central.borderline.html

National Institute of Mental Health: https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/bipolar-disorder.shtml

NCBI: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3105841/