On this episode of “Sam tries to tackle another really big topic,” I’ll be attempting to talk about splitting. Splitting is a defense mechanism that people with BPD use to counteract the intense fear of abandonment that so many of us have. It makes us see many people and situations as either good or bad with no in between. Splitting can be emotionally draining and exhausting, and can damage social relationships. There’s plenty of things I hate about this disorder, but splitting has to be the one of the things I hate the most. Let me give you an example.

I had a friend a long time ago who was incredibly important to me. They were so supportive and kind, and I really enjoyed spending time with them. Despite all of their good qualities, they were, I felt, extremely critical of me. It was small criticisms about my drinking habits and some of my other dangerous impulsive behaviors. I mess up a lot. I’m not trying to excuse my behavior, I never am, but being criticized for things that are a result of my disorder, which is part of my personality, can be difficult to swallow. They, of course, were only trying to make sure I was healthy, that I was okay. Nevertheless, I started to hate them. I started to think that they were an evil, horrible person (they aren’t) and that I needed to cut them off. I blocked them on all forms of social media, deleted their number, and never spoke to them again.

It’s difficult for me to look back at some of the things I’ve done when I was splitting. Not only have I ended friendships entirely, but I’ve said some pretty hurtful things that I did not mean. Splitting can make maintaining relationships extremely difficult, and I often struggle to combat what is rational and irrational when dealing with my feelings towards other people.

Splitting is not only restricted to my social relationships. I am often splitting with my feelings towards myself. I can love myself in the morning and hate myself in the evening depending on my actions throughout the day. The extremely high standards I hold for others I often hold for myself. Sometimes I feel like I’m on top of the world, that I am wonderful and amazing and perfect, and sometimes (most of the time) I feel like I’m the scum of the earth. It’s completely unhealthy, and can often send me spiraling out of control.

I can split with anyone. I’ve done it with my mother and other close family members, my best friends, my roommates, co-workers and acquaintances. No one is safe from my ability to turn on them at any moment. I recognize that it is unhealthy, and dialectical thinking is certainly something I work on in therapy. It’s insanely difficult to try to override the impulses that are attempting to protect you, but it’s necessary to maintain healthy relationships with the people I love.

If you’re reading this to support someone who is splitting, know that it can be difficult, and you must always take care of yourself. It’s okay to give me space, it’s okay to give yourself space, and being aware of what is happening can do a lot for the both of us. That being said, kindness can go a million miles. Splitting is incredibly difficult for the person it is happening to as well as the people they love. I have the upmost sympathy for friends who I’ve suddenly hated, who I’ve suddenly turned on. I know it doesn’t excuse my behavior, but please know I do it in self defense, to combat the aggressive fear of abandonment and loneliness I feel every single day. The best thing to do for someone who is splitting is to try to understand, try to educate yourself, and try to put yourself in their shoes.

I hope this is somewhat clear, although it may be difficult to understand. Please reach out if you have any questions, and thank you for reading.

-Sam