I recognize in writing this piece that I am tackling a huge topic with many facets. There are several types of dissociation, and people experience it in several different ways. There are many articles that tackle this topic better than I do, but I wanted to add my experience with dissociation to the conversation, to help illustrate what it can be like.

Dissociation in borderline personality disorder is not uncommon. In fact, according to “Dissociation in borderline personality disorder: a detailed look.” from NCBI, about 76% of those with BPD suffer from some form of dissociation. This can range anywhere from experiencing “confusion and unexpected mood changes”, to experiencing “dissociative amnesia,” to having a dissociative disorder, such as dissociative identity disorder (DID).

What exactly is dissociation? According to webmd.com (a very official source, I know), “Dissociation is a break in how your mind handles information. You may feel disconnected from your thoughts, feelings, memories, and surroundings. It can affect your sense of identity and your perception of time.” While this is a great description of what dissociation is, it doesn’t really capture what it’s like. Let me use an example.

You’ve had a long day at work. You get in your car, turn it on, turn on your radio, and start to drive, a drive you’ve done hundreds of times before. Suddenly, you’re at your house. You don’t remember anything about the drive, what you saw, or even the music that played on the radio during the last 15 minutes. Your brain went on complete autopilot.

While this is a common experience that mirrors dissociation, and is useful for a boring, routine, car ride home, dissociation is nothing close to convenient. For me, I experience dissociation when my emotions are running high, and I can often dissociate in places when it is inconvenient and unsafe to do so. This is just my brains defense mechanism against really strong emotions, but it’s completely annoying, unhealthy, and worst of all, uncontrollable.

I’ll give you an example of an episode I had about a year ago. I was walking down the street after a rehearsal for a musical I was in. I had just taken on the lead role, and was struggling to learn my lines and the songs that went with it. This rehearsal was particularly stressful, and as I was walking home by myself, I felt the world start to fade away. I had dissociated before, but it had never been that bad, and I desperately tried to get home. I attempted to ground myself to reality, counting the leaves on each of the trees I passed, focusing on the cold wind hitting my face, digging my nails into my hand, but I was struggling. I thought “just get home. Just get home and you’ll be okay. Put one foot in front of the other and you’ll be okay.” I remember stopping at a crosswalk, and really starting to lose my touch with reality. I wasn’t recognizing where I was, and I called my roommate. They had, at some point, passed me on the street, which I only vaguely remember, and thankfully knew where I was, which was one street away from my house. I had been standing out there for 20 minutes when they got to me. I apparently did not know my name, who I was, or who they were. The next thing I clearly remember was being in bed in my apartment. If my roommate had not come and gotten me, who knows what would have happened.

With that being said, here are some things that help me get out of a dissociative episode. First things first, try to ground yourself with your senses. A common practice is naming 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste. I find this incredibly helpful, but if I’m too far along, I’ll just start naming things I can see and talking about them (“I see a chair, it is red and has four legs”) or just rapid fire naming objects (“couch, chair, carpet, painting”). If you’re trying to help someone ground, you can ask them questions such as “name five fruits” or “name three things that are red.” It might seem kind of silly, but these questions are extremely helpful for coming back to reality.

The one thing to remember about dissociation is it is often not permanent. My episodes have lasted whole days on the occasion, but I always come out of them, which is true for most people with BPD. Dissociation also looks different for everyone, and some people with BPD do not dissociate at all. It is certainly a spectrum, and while each episode is serious, each one can look very different. If a friend reaches out to you for help with dissociating, remember to remain calm, because someone who is panicked will only make the situation worse. There are a lot more techniques for grounding out there, such as physical touch, eating, taking a shower, and many more, but different methods work better for different individuals.

I hope this post was helpful in understanding dissociation, but if you have any questions (or if I messed up any information), feel free to reach out.

-Sam

Sources

NCBI: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19585341

webmd: https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/dissociation-overview#1