I’m trying to consistently post once a week on Fridays, but I had to slip some quick thoughts in today, because as of today, I am 21 years old. I’m finally able to do all of the things I’ve pretty much been doing illegally, but now I can’t get arrested for them! Yay! Although this is a day of celebration, I’m often really reflective on my birthday, especially when it is as big of a milestone as my 21st. In my darkest moments, I thought I would never see this day. Now it’s here, and I’m alive, and I’m okay. The passage of time and experiences can be really amazing.

I know it sounds morbid, but every year on my birthday, I wonder how much time I really have left. I really try to take each day one at a time and take good moments as they come, but I can’t help but wonder if this birthday will be my last. While I don’t see another relapse in to foreseeable future, they come like a thief in the night. I could snap at any moment, lose myself any day, start hallucinating or have an episode where I do something really drastic. It can happen, and while it’s usually a thought in the back of my mind, it comes to the forefront on days like this.

Despite the negativity, I’m really happy I’m here. I’m really happy I made it to see this day. Birthdays always feel like a fresh start to me. This might be the year I get a 4.0 in school. This might be the year I start eating healthier, start exercising more, start hanging out with my friends more. This might be the year where I don’t have a suicide attempt, where I stop self harming for good. The possibilities are endless, and now I just have to make some of these possibilities realities.

Even if these things don’t happen this year, even if I have another relapse, I have faith that I will be okay. I’ve made it through 21 years of life. I’m still here, despite everything my brain has put me through, and at the end of it all, everyday that you’re here is a beautiful day to be alive.

-Sam