TW: Self harm, suicide

As much as I love my mother, I often dread going back to my hometown to see her. While I value the time I am able to spend with her, it is often difficult to cope with the memories associated with my childhood home. I remember the constant feelings of emptiness living here when I was younger, the loneliness I felt, and how it always felt like I was walking on eggshells, trying to please everyone around me. I’m writing this in my childhood bedroom, the place I developed an addiction to cutting, where I had my first suicide attempt. It can be extremely hard to come back and revisit this.

Choosing to stay away from places that bring back bad memories is completely valid, but for those who choose to revisit these spots, here are 5 tips I use to take care of myself during the holidays.

1. Keep Yourself Busy

I can not stress how important it is to distract distract distract. If I let my mind wander, it can lead to some very dark places. The last thing I need over the holidays is to be dissociating, or suicidal, or self harming. I will go visit old friends, go shopping, read, write, listen to podcasts, anything that keeps my mind occupied.

2. Keep in contact with your friends back home

Shooting a message to my roommates back home just to check in reminds me where I was before I visited my hometown and where I will be again after I leave. It’s so grounding for me to remember that I have a life outside of my hometown, and that I will have that life again after the holidays are over.

3. Practice Self Care

I love my family very much, and enjoy spending time with them, but it can be difficult to put on a brave face all the time. I easily get tired of trying to pretend like things are okay, and if I don’t take care of myself, my emotions can get to a dangerous place. I check in with myself a lot when I’m visiting my hometown, and try to recognize when I need a break. I spend a lot of time in my room while I’m here, which is okay. It’s completely valid to take care of yourself and step away from the chaos.

4. Be Productive

As a college student, I am usually busy with schoolwork and extracurricular activities, but when the semester ends and all of that goes away, I find I can go into some of my darkest times. This goes along with keeping yourself busy, but try to do things that make you feel like you’re contributing something. Do your laundry, clean your room, get rid of old clothes/items you don’t need anymore, etc. Feeling like you’re doing something worthwhile can be rewarding and contribute to distraction.

5. Leave (if you have to)

Sometimes going to my hometown takes a horrible toll on my mental health, and I have to leave early. While I generally try not to escape things that are making me upset, if you’re feeling unsafe in your hometown, don’t stay. I’ve only had to do this once before, but the decision to go possibly saved my life. It’s okay to not revisit places if you don’t want to/are not ready. After the incident where I left early, I have been more prepared for what’s to come, but if I had decided to distance myself from this place, that would have been valid too. This isn’t about running away from your problems; this is about protecting yourself and keeping yourself healthy, and at the end of the day, sometimes you have to do what’s best for you.

The holidays are difficult for a lot of people, and if you’re one of those people, know that you’re not alone, and there are a lot of others who feel the same way. Take care of yourself this holiday season.

-Sam